Derp-ression

Ah, this time of year is so dandy, eh? I've had my fair share of moody bluesy January/February sad times, but this year hasn't been so bad.

Well it has been a little bit dark, which is why the new comic's not out yet. Basically I've had lots of opportunity to complete it and plenty of time and would like to get it done, but then those grey skies and windy trees [in my brain] whisper to me, they whisper much.

And they say "Hey, PB, don't lift a finger, don't open your laptop, just sit there and scratch your butt. A little lower. Lower. A little lower. OK do it from the front. Come on, both hands now, do it properly..."

Which is never very productive. Until I have a MASSIVE amount of work on, like I have this week, and then my brain is like "Hey PB, you know all that stuff you have to do? Don't do it! Your laptop's open; do some work on the comic instead!". So I've done that and here I am writing a blog post for the first time in ages, and now I'm probably a few weeks away from completing the comic too haha!

Yay!

This is assuming I don't get into massive amounts of trouble for not completing my work, because if that happens then I'll have to do even more work, and the comic will slip and slip. And not in the good way. Not in the trouser-filling, skin-stroking, suggestive, intimate way that some things slip and slip. No sir. What the hell am I talking about? I've lost myself and I'm the one doing the bloody typing.


Sooooo ... skip the blue text if you don't want to read about mental health :)

There's always sad suicide stats for this time of year - particularly for young men - and as there's a huge proportion of young men who read this blog, it's worth chatting about eh. Why don't bloody blokes ever open up about this stuff anyway arrgh! More hugs, that's what's needed. Hugs and boobs. 


Basically I've got my own story of self harm and MH issues, but through discussion with a few girlfriends a while back, things have changed for me - I managed to break through a bit of a cycle. This is good! And a nice story. So this was the cycle: (1) I'd do something crap [like hurt myself somehow, let's not go into details] > (2) Feel like that was stupid and I am therefore trash > (3) This is at odds with the good things I do, therefore feel **total turmoil** inside, therefore go back to to (1).

This sounds like a stupid cycle, but the truth is it's very easy to ride that negative spiral for a few years, it turns out, and despite all the intelligence in the world, it's very difficult to fix. If anything being pretty intelligent makes it harder because you're like "I should be able to fix this and can't! I must be total garbage!". But I learnt that one thing doesn't have to lead to the other.

Something wonderful happened. I guess about a year or so ago I learnt (through friends and, subsequently, counselling) that you don't need to fix any of the points (1), (2), or (3) - you can just prevent them from leading onto each other, and then the points lose their power and eventually just piss off. For example, instead of doing (1) and that leading to (2), I'd think "Hey yes that is a weird thing to do, but it's also pretty common, and not a bad way to express turmoil, because turmoil after all IS BAD, so (1) DOES NOT prove the theory that (2) I'm trash. Cycle broken temporarily, done.

And at other times when I'd feel like trash, or randomly want to hurt myself, or just have this unexplained turmoil going on - by disconnecting (1) from (2), and (2) from (3), through deciding that the logic didn't need to lead from one stage to the next, it totally took the power out of the cycle.

Magic. Amazing.

Anyway, it really affected the way I processed complex feelings about myself, because one thing no longer led to another but happened in isolation. So if I was feeling super down, I'd think "This is ok, it will pass, it doesn't mean I'm stupid, I actually do have value. No need to go to (3)". Which sounds really obvious, but in practice can be very difficult to do when you're in it. And if (2) did accidentally lead to (3), I leant to realise that didn't mean total failure, just an organic thing from which you could move on.

So there we are. This last year has been full of more joy, more freedom and more OK-ness than any year for a long time.

Finally on this subject, if this is at all relevant for you and you've never spoken to anyone (BLOODY MEN TALK TO SOMEONE OR I SWEAR I'LL COME AND KICK YOU IN THE SHINS), I'd totally recommend talking to the doctor. Doctors are amazing and mine pointed out they deal with it all the time for all genders/ages and it doesn't mean we're trash that should die, it just means we need to dismount from the NEGA-PONY, and here's how blah blah blah blah.

I put nega-pony in capitals because I like the idea of it being the nega-pony who carries unsuspecting people to bad places.

So my doctor and my close friends were totally cool talking about it; and talking really does help. And if your doctor's a dick about it, or makes you feel slightly like it's your fault and you should stop wasting their time, just go straight to reception on the way out and ask for an appointment with another doctor. Some doctors don't have a clue about mental health in the same way that some plumbers rob from their clients - just try a different doctor, seriously.

Anyway it's getting sunnier. The seasons are warming up a bit. The blossom's nearly here. My next comic's almost nearly here too. Good times.

Having done all the speech-bubbles on the upcoming comic, I've noticed there are more question marks than ever before, in this one. So that's something to look forward to as well; ample punctuation. Phwoarrrr I love a bit of punctuation, mmm chukka-bawm-bawwwmmm. Seriously though, there are loads of question marks. I have no idea why? < AARGH THERE'S ANOTHER ONE

There's also 90 pages complete now, which is good, and renders for a further 5 done, which is also good. In fact I only need to render about 20 more images and we'll be good to go. And I know what the title's going to be, so we're ahead of the game there too.

Other things, what else eh? Well, things in Bellerophon World continue as normal despite the grey winter months dragging the heck out of everything. I'm in love, which is nice. I have a fairly good opinion of myself for once, which is also nice.

I did even get into keeping fit for a year or so (hint: exercise famously helps with MH issues, and 100% totally true in my experience), so I'm feeling trim and svelte, even, which is pretty good except last week I twisted my ankle really weirdly doing spin class (if you don't know what that is, don't ask. It's like setting yourself on fire for 30-40 minutes), so I can't now exercise and I've got that sinking feeling that my body is prepping to absolutely balloon up and I'll have to roll everywhere supported only by hot dogs and ghee.

YE SHITS THIS BLOG POST IS TOO LONG.

Just ignore every other paragraph and it'll be about the right length.
Byee! xxx